close to you
by suicidebycyanide
Summary: AU. Third in the Playing with Fire series / Trevor's in a coma after his fall, Kate's falling to pieces and Cassandra's trying her hardest to be the strong one who's there for everyone. But when Cassandra receives some bad news will she find herself sinking into old patterns of self-destructive behaviour? - —OC, set during series eleven. [three/?]
1. CHAPTER I

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**CHAPTER ONE**  
_oh baby talk to me, oh baby_

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Cassandra doesn't know how long she spends by Trevor's bedside, hoping for some sort of movement. It's a daily thing, before work, during work and after. She goes whenever Kate can't, hoping there's something there but every day that passes remains the same – nothing, just him staring into space.

It upsets her but she can't bear to imagine how Kate feels, knowing that every day that passes, there becomes less hope of him actually waking up.

Kissing Trevor's forehead she whispers; "I'll come back later Trevor, I have to go to work now." Trevor was like her second father, the person she could trust with anything. Kate wasn't the only one who looked after her children when the incident with Billy occurred, it was Trevor and she couldn't thank them enough. It was probably one of the reasons why she found herself by his bedside even if she didn't need to be.

Leaving the intensive care unit, she found herself walking down the stairs to Accident and Emergency. Reaching Accident and Emergency she found herself sitting on the bottom step, staring at the floor, wondering why bad things always happened to good people. Why did Trevor have to fall down the stairs that day?

"Cassie?"

She looks up, her eyes falling upon Charlie and she smiles softly, "hey," there's nothing spoken for a moment and he has to ask if Trevor's okay because she looks pale, like she's going to pass out any minute.

"Is Trevor—"

She cuts him off, "he's fine but there's still nothing, no movement or anything."

Again there's nothing exchanged between the two. Cassandra stands up and tries to find her locker key in her handbag whilst asking how Baz was feeling. Charlie began to laugh when he explained that Baz was grumpy and irritable, also rather impatient who wanted the baby out now! She laughed, "When you see her, tell her I'll be up on my break yeah?"

"Will do," he smiled and suddenly she was left alone in the staff room with her thoughts. Unlocking her locker, she changed into her nurse's outfit and hung her clothes up on the rail and locked it. Straightening out her uniform, she took a deep breath and disappeared into the Accident and Emergency department.

Cassandra was stood by the board, staring at the board and the notes written on it when she heard Kate's comment, "when in doubt blame the nurses."

"What was that?"

Kate smiled at Cassandra, "this new set up in Resus, according to Richard if _us_ nurses knew where things were kept, the Doctors would've got him in theatre within twenty-minutes."

"Bollocks," Cassandra laughed, "you doctor's couldn't do your job without us nurses."

"If we really had been that long on the airway with a real facial trauma, we would've ended up with a cabbage," upon hearing Gloria's comment, Cassandra nervously glanced at Richard then Kate. Was Gloria aware about Trevor being in a permanent vegetative state?

"No we were slow but," Kate looked around at all three of them, "we were struggling with the new set up weren't we?" She walked off and Cassandra shook her head. As Gloria walked away Cassandra said,

"Nice one Gloria you mouthy cow!"

"What?" She turned around, one hand on hip and stared at Cassandra. Cassandra couldn't be bothered getting into an argument with her so turned to Richard and asked him to explain it to Gloria. Once she left Richard turned to Gloria, "Kate's husband, he came out of a coma into PVS. He's a vegetable."

Gloria shook her head she couldn't half put her foot in it sometimes.

Later on, finding Cassandra, Gloria apologised explaining that she hadn't realised that Trevor was in a vegetative state. Cassandra tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and told her not to worry about it,

"You weren't to know I guess."

"Are you close?"

"Are Kate and I close?" Cassandra nodded, "Kate and Trevor have been there for me a lot these last couple of years especially after the death of my husband. Can I apologise for calling you a mouthy cow that was uncalled for on my part, a bit childish really."

"It's already forgotten about," leaving the conversation as that Cassandra went back to work. Her patient was a young woman called Sarah who'd suffered a panic attack. There was something about her that gave Cassandra the creeps; perhaps it was the way she seemed disconnected from reality. Mad people always scared her.

Leaving the cubicle to speak to Richard and ask if he'd got any further to tracking down her two children, (one she even denied existed) Cassandra realised that Charlie had been gone a while and noticed him come back, a large smile upon his face, "seven pound four ounces, a little boy, a lovely little boy."

Cassandra hugged Charlie tightly and kissed his cheek, "congratulations daddy, what's he called?"

"Louis Charles."

"Poor sod having to have a middle name like Charles," she winked with a giggle, "was that Baz's idea or yours? Can I have the second round of hugs?" She asked with a smile. She loved babies. She couldn't wait to have her own with Howard but so far after two miscarriages, it just hadn't happened. Still she knew one day it would.

"Is it okay if I go up on my break? How's Baz?"

"As you'd expect uncomfortable," there was a crackling sound coming from the radio as an accident came through and Cassandra noted it was perfect timing whenever someone had something to say. Swallowing hard, she told Charlie she'd come and find him later on and discuss little Louis some more.

Cassandra's patient turned out to be a right loon. It transpired she'd locked her children in the boot of her car because they didn't listen to her, as a parent herself she couldn't place herself in Sarah's shoes. Yes there were times her children drove her absolute barmy but she couldn't harm them. The thought had never crossed her mind. It was hard to think that Sarah was mentally unwell and perhaps been of sound mind, wouldn't have done the things she'd done. Still it was an odd case all round, not to mention Sarah's father also gave her the creeps.

Finally getting a break, Cassandra went up to the maternity unit to see Baz and Louis. Sitting on the edge of the bed, she stroked his cheek and said gently, "he's beautiful."

She felt tears pool in her eyes and she told herself she wasn't going to cry! She had a habit of crying over newborn babies as well as cooing over them. Baz smiled softly and there was nothing but silence between them, both of them staring at Louis.

"Strange isn't it? Knowing you've carried that beautiful baby for so long?"

"Just a bit," she answered back and Cassandra continued, "you have nine months to prepare for their arrival yet the moment they're here, you're still as helpless as ever. Nothing truly prepares you for motherhood."

"Are you broody?"

Cassandra laughed, "I think I'm always broody. It's just a shame it hasn't worked out yet, you know with Howard and I. Hopefully in the next year or two I'll, we'll have a baby."

There was a pause before she asked, "can I hold him?"

Baz nodded and as she picked up Louis and held him close, she wouldn't wait to experience this with her own baby. Having the child snuggle into her chest, she smiled softly and loved the moment of been in Louis' company. He really was a beautiful baby.

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_**jottings**_ / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review.


	2. CHAPTER II

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**CHAPTER TWO**  
_i wanna spend my life with you_

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"Oh my have you seen how adorably cute Louis is?"

Cassandra was stood by the reception desk talking to Matt about Louis. He was only a week old and he'd already become talk of the entire department, everyone discussing who he looked like most. Cassandra thought he looked more like Baz than Charlie but most people disagreed with her, they all said he was the spit of Charlie.

She was about to listen to Matt's reply when she heard a familiar voice coming from behind her. Turning around, her eyes fell upon a young guy with a young girl playing the paper fortune game. Watching him for a couple of minutes until the little girl walked away with the paper game, Cassandra stepped forward, "Sam?"

His eyes fell upon Cassandra, "oh hello Cassie, how are you?"

"I'm good thanks, how are you?" She said down on the seats behind him, "you here for the interview?"

Sam nodded. They'd met in the summer when Sam had done his six week placement and he'd settled into the team well. Cassandra liked him; he brought a different side out of her personality, the party animal and daredevil. He explained he was here for the interview but it wasn't until twelve. Cassandra knew he was keen to impress but she didn't think he'd have a problem judging by the state of some of the candidates.

"What've you been doing since the summer?"

"Just exams and oh, more exams!" He laughed and Cassandra remembered them well, the exams you had to undertake to become a nurse. She knew he liked to DJ on the side but wondered if he had time since his exams. He told her he'd done a bit of gigging at his Aunt Eileen's 60th, one of the wildest raves he'd done in a while. She couldn't help but laugh at the comment.

Kate came over and Cassandra left her and Sam talking, heading back to the desk and finishing her earlier conversation with Matt until Charlie told her she wasn't paid for standing around talking.

"Flying high up in the sky," Richard was singing. It only meant one thing, that the football was on and it was United v Holby. She'd never really been one for football all she saw it as was a bunch of overpaid men running up and down a football pitch.

"Flying high up in the sky," he started singing again and Jude closed her eyes and shook her head, "Richard! Richard, please, the football's bad enough but your singing's even worse." Cassandra laughed and told Richard she'd agree with Jude on this occasion, his singing was horrendous.

"I wish we'd never have got that ratchet television," Kate said as she stormed out of the staff room. Cassandra nibbled her lower lip and wondered if she was okay, she knew she'd been to see Trevor. Following Kate out of the staff room, she shouted, "Kate are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine; I don't know what's up with me. Why shouldn't they watch the television? It's their staff room as well. I'm just tired with Trevor been ill I feel like I'm on duty twenty-four hours, seven days a week."

"Kate, listen to me you're doing too much."

"I can't _stop_ doing too much, the bills won't pay themselves."

"I'm worried about you," she sighed deeply, "just like you'd be worried about me if it was the other way round."

"I'm fine, now will you stop worrying?"

Kate walked off and left Cassandra alone with her thoughts. She hated the fact she couldn't do anything to stop Kate from hurting and in turn it made her feel useless. Kate was always there for her when she was having problems with Billy. Jude noticed Cassandra was absent-mindedly staring at the wall and touched her arm, breaking her from her trance, "you alright?"

She nodded, "I'm just worried about Kate."

"You and me both, how is she holding up?"

There was a pause, "you know the same old way, throwing herself into work. What do you say to her Jude because right now, I'm trying my hardest to be there and I can't do anything to take away her pain?"

A tear slid down Cassandra's cheek and she brushed it away. She didn't know why recently she was getting all emotional all of a sudden. She did blame it on Trevor's accident but now she wasn't too sure. What if it was something more? That possibility scared her too, when a life is born, someone dies and Trevor couldn't die, Kate would just fall to pieces without him.

Excusing herself and heading to the bathroom, she sat down on the toilet and had a good cry. Feeling slightly better, she left the cubicle and began to splash water onto her face trying to remove all trace of her makeup; especially mascara that had ran down her cheeks.

She was missed in the five minutes she'd disappeared to the bathroom. The department was busy and when Kate had seen Cassandra, she snapped at her telling her this department couldn't run itself. She tried not to take it personally, Kate was having a hard time but it still hurt, she felt the pain in her chest. Taking a deep breath, she tried to do her job the best to her ability without thinking too much.

Cassandra had no choice but to get involved when the parents of a young boy admitted began to argue. Their argument was causing the young boy distress and Cassandra couldn't help but wonder if her children ever felt the same when she and Billy argued. Did they ever feel scared and upset? Did they ever know about the physical violence in their marriage? It turned out the young boy had overheard his mother calling his father a little boy and he was scared that his mother would throw him out too.

Exhaling deeply as she leant against the desk she turned to Richard, "makes you wonder doesn't it? How much we think we're protecting our children but really we're not."

"Are you talking about the little boy in cubicles?"

"Yeah," she bit her lower lip hard, "makes me wonder about my own children and what they thought when Billy and I were arguing at stupid o'clock in the morning. Where's Kate?"

"She's on her break, gone to see Doctor Elliot."

There was a pause, "can I take my break? I'm going to go and see if Kate's okay." Richard nodded and she knew he was probably the wrong person to ask but she still wanted to see Kate. Reaching the stairs heading up to intensive care, she sat on the bottom step and waited for Kate's meeting to finish with Doctor Elliot. Lost in thought, she heard Kate call her name and she looked up, "Richard told me you were seeing Doctor Elliot, how was it?"

Kate sighed but didn't verbally reply. Cassandra asked if she wanted a coffee and they found themselves in the canteen, both of them having a coffee silence between them. Cassandra was unsure on how to break the silence, "what did Doctor Elliot say?"

"Everything I already know," she sipped her coffee, "that there's no chance after six months and it's unlikely there will be. He wants me, when the time goes to withdraw food and hydration but—"

"You don't think you can because you owe it to your children? You know they need Trevor especially Nicky and you can't take away that hope can you, the hope that maybe he'll get better?"

Kate swallowed the lump that was now appearing in her throat and nodded her head. She couldn't take away Nicky's hope, she didn't have that right. A tear slid down her cheek and Cassandra smiled sadly. Seeing Kate upset always made Cassandra upset too. Reaching over and holding Kate's hand she told her,

"Listen to me, you can only do what you think is right. If that means holding onto hope then so be it. Nobody can tell you that you're doing it wrong Kate, Trevor's your husband not theirs. Do what you think is right."

"But what if you don't know what's right anymore?"

"You have to figure it out, one way or another."

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_**jottings**_ / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review.


	3. CHAPTER III

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**CHAPTER THREE**  
_fight fire with fire_

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Cassandra knelt in front of the toilet at work, throwing up the contents of her stomach. It had been the fourth time that morning and she knew if she carried on somebody would question it and probably ask if she was pregnant, (the answer was yes but she didn't want every Tom, Dick and Harry to know before she'd told Howard)

Flushing the chain, she walked over to the sinks and began to wash her hands. Cupping a handful of water, she threw it over her face and grabbed a handful of paper towels and dried her face. Leaving the toilets to return to work, she arrived just in time for Jude to show of what would've been the new nurse's uniform, pistachio dream. It was absolutely disgusting and Cassandra was grateful it wasn't going to be their new uniform after all.

"It's hideous," she answered and sat down. Resting her head on her hand, Kate looked at her and noticed how pale she was. Asking her if she was okay, Cassandra answered that she was fine, she was just tired.

"Are you sure?"

"Honestly Kate I'm fine," there was nothing else spoken as they both went back to work. Outside in reception Matt had been asked to sell scratch cards to raise money for the new helicopter and he was complaining that he couldn't do it. Jude was telling him not to be so stupid, he'd managed perfectly well to sell trainers, handbags and perfume from reception, scratch cards would be a doddle.

Cassandra was about to pick up a patient card when Mike asked her if she was okay. She answered what was it with everyone asking if she was okay, yes she was aware of how white she looked but she wasn't going to pass out anytime soon and if that's what they were worried as bout, they didn't need to be.

She got on with the rest of the day trying to do her job, trying her hardest to ignore the sick feeling in the pit off her stomach. She thought for a moment she was going to hurl, excused herself and ran to the bathroom promptly throwing up in the toilet. Flushing the chain, she walked out of the cubicle coming face to face with Gloria.

"You okay?"

For the third time that day she answered that she was and once again they didn't believe her. Biting her lower lip hard she explained to Gloria that she had probably picked up a stomach bug but she was okay, except the initial sickness. Gloria raised her eyebrow but didn't say anything, she believed Cassandra when she said she had a stomach bug. Being left alone in the toilets, she wondered why she suffered bad morning sickness and how long could she keep it up for without someone guessing that she was pregnant.

Leaving the bathroom, Matt called her over and told her someone was on the phone for her. Taking the call, she couldn't help the look of confusion that appeared on her face. Pressing the phone to her ear she said, "hello?"

"Is that Miss Adams?" The woman on the other end of the phone asked and continued, "I'm Miss Scott from Holby High."

"Is Katherine okay?" Miss Scott sighed and answered back, "unfortunately I'm ringing to ask if you wouldn't mind collecting Katherine from school today, she's been involved in a rather serious incident with another student."

"Have you tried to contact her father?"

"We tried but there was no answer," Cassandra sighed deeply and told Miss Scott that she'd come to collect Katherine but didn't know how long she'd be. Putting down the phone, Matt looked at her and asked; "problems?"

"Whatever you do don't have children," she answered and tried to find Charlie. Finding him she apologised and asked if there was any chance she could leave, she'd be back as soon as she could but Katherine had been in an incident at school. Charlie let her go and Cassandra knew she owned him, not many people would be kind enough to let her go and collect Katherine.

Grabbing her coat out of the staff room, Cassandra jumped into a taxi and reached Holby High in about ten minutes. Paying the taxi driver, she made her way to the entrance and then the reception desk, "I'm here to see Miss Scott, I'm Cassandra, Cassandra Adams."

After filling in the visitors book Miss Scott collected Cassandra and led her down the endless amount of corridors to an office. Inside sat Katherine arms folded across her chest, slouched in her chair looking like she couldn't care less.

"Sorry for dragging you away from work," Cassandra answered it didn't matter and sat down beside Katherine, "Katherine was involved in an incident this lunchtime with another student."

"What did she do?"

"Katherine hit another student, a year nine student. We do not tolerate any violence in this school and that is why I've taken the decision to exclude Katherine for three days."

Cassandra looked at Katherine and touched her arm, "is that true Kat?"

Katherine looked up at Cassandra and nodded. It was only then that she caught sight of the red mark that was on Katherine's cheek. Touching it with her fingers she asked, "Kat, how did you get that?"

"Jodie hit me first," she whispered and Cassandra bit her lower lip. Katherine hadn't just smacked a student for no reason, somebody had hit her first and she'd defended herself.

"You hear that?" Cassandra asked and Miss Scott tried to explain that there had been no witnesses to say that Katherine had been hit first but plenty to say that Katherine had hit the girl. By now Cassandra could feel the anger raising upwards, somebody had hit her little girl and she wasn't going to let it go!

"Are you telling me you're going to exclude my daughter for defending herself?"

Miss Scott sighed, "we don't accept any violence in this school Miss Adams."

"Are you even listening to a word I'm saying? My daughter was hit first; one of your bratty students hit my daughter _first_. If you're going to exclude anybody, you'd better exclude that cow too."

Miss Scott sighed again and tried to explain the situation again but she wasn't getting anywhere. Cassandra could be stubborn when she wanted to be. Looking at Katherine she smiled softly and answered; "if I come back after three days with Katherine and I hear that brat's hit my daughter again, you're going to wish you never brought me into this office," standing up Cassandra turned to Katherine, "come on, nobody hurts my girl and gets away with it."

As they left the school and got in the car Katherine didn't know what to say or do. This was the first time she'd ever been in trouble at school and she was afraid of what her father would say when she got home. Cassandra seemed to sense Katherine's fear and told her, "listen hunny, I'll explain everything to your father when I get home. I'm proud of you for defending yourself, not many people would do it."

Katherine relaxed after that, she loved Cassandra she thought she was cool.

When they got home Howard was waiting for them having received a missed call from the school. As Katherine walked into the living room Howard caught sight of the bruise on his daughter's cheek and asked, "what happened?"

Cassandra answered for Katherine, "Kat's been excluded for three days. A girl called Jodie hit her and she hit her back but because nobody saw Jodie hit Katherine, she's the one who's been excluded."

"Are you okay?" Howard kissed the top of Katherine's head as she snuggled into her father. She nodded her head and answered that she was. What nobody knew was that this hadn't been the first time Jodie had smacked Katherine, that had been going on for a while. It was the first time Katherine had hit her back and defended herself, she didn't want Jodie to bully her anymore.

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_**jottings**_ / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review.


	4. CHAPTER IV

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**CHAPTER FOUR**  
_i like them small girls_

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"How's Katherine?"

It's the first thing Matt asks as Cassandra steps into the department early morning. She smiled softly and nodded her head, explaining that Katherine was fine, if she found out in the meantime that Jodie had smacked her girl she'd smacked her back.

"But she's only fourteen right?"

"I don't give a shit, if she wants to throw her weight around she can have a go at hitting me." She was protective over her children, the one she's given birth too and the ones she had gained because of Howard. To realise that someone was causing pain to Katherine caused pain for her too.

"Have you seen it out there? Looks like it's gonna bomb it down later," she headed off into the staff room. Opening her locker, she put her coat and handbag inside and locked them. Heading to work, she rubbed her stomach thankful she hadn't been sick in a day or two. By the looks of it the sickness had passed.

Cassandra still didn't know why she hadn't told Howard about the baby, she still needed to decide what she wanted to do. As much as she wanted to be a mother, realistically would she cope with a baby as well as the five other's. Rubbing her stomach, she was lost in her own thoughts until Jude crept up behind her and frightened her half to death, "boo!"

"Jesus," closing her locker she made eye contact with Jude and started to laugh, "I swear you're going to send me to an early grave keep scaring me like that. My ticker can't take it you know?"

Jude began to laugh and answered that Cassandra shouldn't be too jumpy! After Jude had left her in the staffroom, she rubbed her stomach and sighed deeply. She wondered why nothing could run smoothly in her life. As much as she wanted this baby it wasn't the right timing was it? Not with Trevor been seriously ill and Kate struggling to cope.

She looked better than she had done the last couple of days though she was still slightly pale. She was relieved that the sickness had stopped; she didn't need to be making excuses to why she was disappearing every five seconds. Closing her locker Cassandra took a deep breath and walked out of the staffroom into the department.

It was a typical shift, busy from the start. People coming and going with various injuries just made Cassandra realise why she loved A&amp;E as much as she did, the fact that not every shift was the same.

"Cassie can you help me, there's no output."

They took Mrs Clay to Resus but there was still nothing and the poor old woman had died. Cassandra found a lump developing in her throat and her eyes stung with tears. She cursed herself for not been able to remain professional when dealing with a death and excused herself.

Kate followed her out of Resus, "Cassie?"

Turning around she couldn't stop the tears that streamed down her cheeks, "I'm fine."

"You don't look fine," she wrapped her arms around her and Cassandra burst into tears in the warm embrace of Kate. Taking her to the staff room, Kate sat her down and asked, "what's wrong, you haven't been right for days?"

"I'm fine!"

"Cassie!"

Cassandra sighed deeply and made eye contact with Kate, "I'm pregnant."

"That's good news isn't it?" There was a pause between them, "Cassie?"

"Yes and no, you know what they say about new life don't you? That when new life comes into the world, somebody dies. Trevor's going to die because I'm pregnant and then you'll hate me."

She whispered the last bit about Kate hating her and Kate shook her head, hearing what she said and replied; "You don't believe in all that do you? Trevor won't die just because you're having a baby and I won't hate you. What's Howard said about the pregnancy?"

Cassandra didn't reply for a moment, "I haven't told him."

"Why?"

"You wouldn't understand."

"Try me," Cassandra fiddled with the ring on her finger, twisting it around. She knew it sounded silly, here was she pregnant with a baby both her and her husband wanted and yet she couldn't bring herself to tell him about the baby, "I'm not sure if this baby is what I really want."

"What do you mean?"

"Exactly what I said, I'm not sure. We already have five children between us, can we, can I cope with another baby. What if it goes wrong between Howard and I? Can I really raise another child on my own bearing in mind I almost struggled if it wasn't for the support of you and Trevor the first time round?"

Kate smiled sadly, it was typical of Cassandra to always worry about everything, "you need to discuss this with Howard, and you have to come to some sort of agreement between you both. You can't keep this from him forever, he'll found out sooner or later and then what are you going to do?"

"I don't know Kate, I really don't know."

"Talk to him you never know he might surprise you."

Cassandra smiled softly already feeling better after her talk with Kate. Why was it that Kate knew the right things to say regardless of the situation?

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**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	5. CHAPTER V

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**CHAPTER FIVE**  
_you've got to show me love_

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She hovered by the bedroom door wondering how to break the news to Howard that she was pregnant. She hated keeping secrets from him but she'd spent so long keeping things to herself and only opening up to Kate and Rachel, her best friends.

"Howard?" She stepped into the bedroom. Howard sat on the edge of the bed and looked up, his phone in his hand. Cassandra had noticed recently that he spent a lot of time on his phone. She wasn't sure if she was been paranoid or he was been secretive.

Almost immediately he put the phone down and asked, "yes?"

She was about to open her mouth to speak when Katherine shouted up the stairs that Alexis was been mean. Sighing deeply realising the conversation was going to have to wait until later, she shook her head and informed Howard that it didn't matter. Going downstairs Cassandra walked into the kitchen where the children were sat around the table, arguing.

Rubbing her left temple Cassandra felt a headache coming on and asked, "what an earth is going on?"

All the children turned to look at Cassandra and began to tell her what had happened. All five tried to over talk each other and she sighed, "One at a time, one at a time!"

Katherine coughed, "I'll go first because I'm the oldest."

Samuel rolled his eyes at his sister's comment and muttered, "whatever!"

"I asked Alexis if she could pass me the orange juice and she said no because she wanted it. I asked her again and she threw a piece of toast at me."

Cassandra moved her eyes from Katherine and looked at her eldest daughter. She was sat at the table, head dipped to the table refusing to make eye contact, "Alexis did you throw toast at Katherine?"

Nodding her head Alexis muttered, "yes."

Telling off Alexis that it wasn't the right thing to do, she told the children that if she had to speak to one of them again, there would be no sweets after dinner for all of them. Leaving them again, Cassandra walked up the stairs and headed back to her bedroom. As she approached the bedroom door she heard muffling and she pushed open the door. The conversation ended and Cassandra folded her arms across her chest.

"Who was that?"

"Just work," he put the phone back in his pocket and stood up.

"Right of course." It was clear by her voice that she didn't believe he was talking to someone from work. She began to wonder if he was having an affair. She couldn't understand why though, their sex life was relatively okay and their relationship seemed to work.

"Was there something you wanted; only I've really got to get going."

Cassandra shook her head, "nothing that can't wait until you come home."

Planting a kiss on her cheek Howard left the room. As she watched the door close behind her, she breathed out deeply placing one hand on her stomach. It seemed perfect timing with the pregnancy, Trevor was ill and now she suspected her husband was having an affair.

How perfect, how sodding perfect.

She was in her own little world as she took the three youngest to school. Zachary, now five seemed to sense that his mum was upset. He never knew his mum to be upset with Howard, Howard always made his mummy happy and he felt scared, his stomach hurting. He didn't want Howard to leave his mummy.

Dropping them off at school, she kissed each child twice and hugged them tightly. They knew their nanny Sarah was going to be picking them up because Cassandra and Howard had to work late. Walking away from the school she knew she had to sort out her emotions, she couldn't bring them to work with her.

"Are you okay?" She must've heard the comment a thousand times. First it was Kate to ask, asking her if she'd managed to speak to Howard yet. She said that she hadn't and right now wasn't the best time to throw a baby in the equation. She didn't elaborate leaving Kate wondering what, if anything had gone on.

The second person to ask was Baz who'd come in to pay the new Resus a visit. She'd brought Louis in with her and Cassandra sat on the bed, holding Louis. He was growing up far too quickly and it made Cassandra even more confused if she wanted the baby she was carrying.

"I'm fine why do you ask?"

The last time Baz had seen Cassandra was when she'd given birth to Louis. The youngster was looking pretty tired, pale and stressed. She was silent for a moment before she answered, "you look tired."

"Having five children tends to make you tired."

Baz laughed, "how are they?"

"They're fine thanks. Courtney's settling into nursery school, Alexis is doing well in reception and Zachary, apparently is a very strong reader. He must get it from me, Billy was pretty much illiterate."

"And you and Howard?"

She sighed deeply; Cassandra knew it was going to come up in conversation. With a shrug she replied, "we're still together but ask me again tomorrow and the answer could be different. There's not long until your back now is there?"

"Four weeks, it's gone so quick."

"It does when you have to go back to work. Why do you think your holidays always seem to speed up?"

Charlie walked into Resus and Cassandra looked back at Louis before handing him over saying that daddy was here. As she left Resus she looked back at Charlie, Baz and Louis and smiled sadly. What if her and Howard could never be a family unit, what if they were too dysfunctional, too different?

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**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	6. CHAPTER VI

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**CHAPTER SIX**  
_all those years outside_

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Cassandra had spent the last half an hour putting Zachary, Alexis and Courtney to bed, the older two watching television in the living room. Cassandra and Howard were in the kitchen; Howard sat at the table and Cassandra washing the pots.

"We need to talk," Howard began and Cassandra nodded her head, "yeah we do."

Cassandra turned around, glass of water in her hand and asked, "how long it been going on for?"

"What?"

"Your affair," Howard was puzzled. He wasn't having an affair. He thought back to his behaviour the last couple of weeks, the phone calls in secret, the always working late. He knew it was bound to look like an affair from Cassandra's point of view.

"I'm not having an affair," he stated, "I've got cancer."

The glass tumbled out of Cassandra's hand and smashed to the ground. The words cancer tumbled around her mind. People died from cancer, he couldn't die. He couldn't have cancer.

"You've, you've got cancer?"

"Yes bowel cancer, stage three."

"How long have you known?" She walked towards him and sat down beside him. All this time she thought he was having an affair and he wasn't. He was fighting a secret battle with cancer. She wished it had been an affair; it would've been easier to sort out.

"One month. I really didn't want to worry you so I kept it to myself, just until I knew what I was dealing with. I found out this morning that it was cancer. I'm sorry."

Cassandra started to cry and Howard pulled her into a hug. Kissing her on the head he whispered, "we're going to get through this as a family; I'm going to beat it I promise."

There was nothing but silence, Cassandra couldn't believe this was happening. Here she was pregnant and now her husband had just told her he had bowel cancer. Swallowing hard she said,

"You should tell Katherine and Samuel. I'll break the news to the younger three tomorrow."

As Cassandra lifted her head up she noticed that Howard was crying now. With a sad smile she wiped away his tears with her thumbs and replied, "like you said we're going to beat this. We're going to get through this as a family. I love you."

"I love you too."

/

Cassandra must've had the worst night sleep ever, she spent the entire night tossing and turning, rubbing her stomach and wondering why things were going wrong.

She hadn't managed to tell Howard about the baby. It didn't seem right. Here he was fighting cancer and she wants to drop the bombshell that she's having a baby. She knew she had to tell him at some point but right now wasn't right.

She chewed her lower lip and sat up in bed. The clock read three and she sighed deeply, Howard asleep beside her. She began to think the worst, what if Howard wasn't going to get better? She couldn't raise six children single-handedly as well as work. Howard seemed to sense that Cassandra was awake and he too woke up. He leant over to switch on the lamp.

"Can you not sleep?"

She shook her head, "I just keep thinking. What am I going to do if you die?"

"I'm not going to die Cassie; I have to beat this because of you and the children."

"But you _could_ die couldn't you? What if chemotherapy doesn't work? Then what do we do? Start planning your funeral, watch you die on me."

"Okay Cassie you're right, there's a chance I _could_ die but I don't want to die. I'm not going to die whilst I've got you and the children to think about."

She snuggled into Howard's chest and he began to run his hands through her hair. He hated been the bearer of bad news. He wanted to keep it a secret for as long as possible but emotionally it wasn't possible, he needed her.

"What happens now?"

"I have a date for surgery, next week and then I start a course of chemotherapy." Howard planted a kiss on Cassandra's head, "I couldn't bring myself to tell Katherine and Samuel. It was cancer that killed their mother, I can't stand there and tell them that there's a chance_ I_ might die too."

She began to play with her wedding ring, "so you want to keep it between us for now? Then eventually tell the children once the chemotherapy starts?"

"Please."

She smiled sadly, "okay but we've got to do it together. We're both going to tell the children."

There was nothing else spoken between them before Cassandra took Howard's hand and placed it on her stomach. He looked at her and then down at her stomach and answered; "are you saying what I think you're saying? You're pregnant?"

Cassandra swallowed hard, "this wasn't the way I wanted to tell you but I know I have to tell you. I've known for a while, about the baby but there's been a lot I've needed to deal with by myself."

Howard smiled, "this is brilliant news!" He kissed her deeply, fingers entwined with hers. After the news that he had cancer, he knew he had to get better for the children and this baby. This was the reason he was going to fight cancer, he had to see his unborn child enter the world.

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	7. CHAPTER VII

Ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER SEVEN**  
_i shouldn't have kept you waiting_

* * *

It was a busy day when Cassandra eventually woke up. She was shattered having only had four hours sleep that night, having been woken up regularly by her thoughts. Today was the day of Howard's first chemotherapy session.

"I'm going to run the kids to school and then I'll come back and we'll go."

"Okay," he was sat on the edge of the bed lost in thought and Cassandra knelt down and kissed him softly, "stop worrying, you're going to be okay!"

Leaving the bedroom she stood at the top of the stairs and shouted down that they'd better have their shoes and coats on. Howard still hadn't told the children about the cancer and Cassandra wasn't too sure how long it was going to stay a secret, it was hard enough already.

A couple of minutes later she walked into the living room where the children sat. Katherine was stood in front of the mirror putting her hair up, "shouldn't you have left for school already?"

"Whatever, a few more minutes won't hurt."

Samuel was hovering near the door and shouted, "I'm going to start walking, see you later Cassie!"

"See you later Samuel, have a nice day!" Katherine eventually finishing pinning her hair up; grabbed her schoolbag of the settee and said bye. Slamming the door closed behind her Cassandra answered back that was un-necessary and looked at the three pairs of eyes that were staring at her.

"Mummy," Her eyes fell on Zachary, "what's cancer?"

She swallowed hard and wondered how Zachary of all people had found out. Realising breaking the news to her children was harder than she thought, she sat down on the floor and gestured for them to sit down with her. As the children sat beside her, Cassandra took a deep breath and began to explain cancer to the children.

"Howard's not very well, he's got a poorly in his body in a place called the bowel. It's called a tumour and he needs special medicine to make him better."

Courtney asked, "is he going to die like daddy?"

Cassandra paused. She didn't want to tell the children he wasn't going to die when he could. But she didn't want to tell them he was when he might not. With a sigh she replied, "Howard's going to have to go to the hospital sometimes and he might be too poorly to play with you sometimes."

"Did I make Howard have cancer?" Alexis responded and Cassandra kissed the top of her daughter's head, "no Alexis, the doctor's said that nobody causes cancer it's something that happens."

"Can we still go to school?"

She looked at her children and nodded. She still wanted them to have some sort of normal routine even if it was anything but. Biting her lower lip hard she stood up with the children and left the house. Cassandra knew the rest of the day was going to pass in a blur of emotions from fear, to upset, to anger that it was happening to her and her family.

/

Cassandra walked into the department fifty minutes late for her shift. She hoped she was able to sneak in without anybody noticing but that plan was foiled the moment she stepped into A&amp;E. Her eyes met with Kate's and she knew she was going to get an earful, something she didn't particularly want.

"You're late!"

"I know, I was hoping nobody would notice."

"How am I expected to run a department if I can't rely on my team?"

"Whatever Kate get off my back yeah?" As she stormed off down the corridor Kate blinked. She didn't know where Cassandra's outburst had come from but she could only presume there was trouble at home at the minute. Not to mention Cassandra would always apologise when she was ready too.

Cassandra stood in the staffroom, leaning against her locker staring into space. She'd left Howard at St James' for his chemotherapy and had made him promise that he'd ring her when it was finished.

She was that deep in thought she hadn't noticed Mike enter the staffroom, turn on the kettle or speak to her. Touching her arm gently Cassandra broke out of her trance, "yes?"

"I asked if you were okay."

"I'm fine," she smiled sadly, "I should probably start some work."

He watched as she went to the door and put her hand on the handle. Mike called her name and as she looked back he said gently, "if there was something you'd tell me or Rachel wouldn't you?"

Nodding her head she left the room closed the door behind her and started some work. She knew it was going to be a shift from hell, she could feel it in her bones.

Staring at the board, she was once again lost in thought. She couldn't help but think about Howard alone in that hospital having chemotherapy to shrink the tumour in his bowel. She felt tears begin to sting her eyes and she knew she couldn't cry, not here. They couldn't know until they'd broken the news to the children.

Someone placed their hand on her arm and she was once again broken out of her thoughts. Turning around her eyes fell upon Baz who was now back in the hospital and she hugged her tightly, "you're back!"

Baz laughed and hugged her back, "I didn't think you'd be _that_ emotional to see me."

Cassandra wiped away the tear that fell down her cheek, "yeah sorry about that. Just been one of those days and it's not even ten yet."

"Are you okay?"

"Yes I'm fine, honestly." Forcing a smile she continued, "honestly I'm fine now you can stop looking at me like that."

"Sorry," Baz smiled sadly but knew there was more to it. Cassandra was never emotional unless she had a lot to deal with. She touched her arm gently again, "you know where I am if you want to talk?"

"I know thanks."

With a deep breath Cassandra went back to work, telling herself that she had to get a grip. If she continued to start crying over every little thing, everyone would question why and she'd have no choice but to tell everyone about the baby and Howard. She'd be breaking that promise she'd made to Howard. Placing a hand on her stomach, she wondered what the next couple of hours would bring.

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	8. CHAPTER VIII

Ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER EIGHT**  
_you've got to show me love_

* * *

"I'm sorry I haven't been to see you for a while," she sighed deeply watching Trevor, "but things have been far too hectic at home to get away. It's no excuse though is it? I'm sorry."

She fiddled with the ring around her finger, "Howard's got cancer, stage three and to be honest Trevor, I don't know what to do. I'm trying to look after Howard whilst raising five children, not to forget I'm trying to work and not be too stressed that the baby comes to any harm."

The machine made a noise and she jumped. She closed her eyes for a moment before opening them, "I kept my promise, I've tried looking after Kate as much as possible but you know what Kate's like. She's likes been stubborn and doing things herself."

She heard a cough behind her and she slowly turned around to find Kate stood there. Cassandra felt her heart beating furiously wondering how long Kate had been stood there and how much of the conversation she'd heard, "I've been telling Trevor that I'm doing my hardest trying to look after you but you're far too stubborn to be looked after."

Kate smiled slightly and then asked, "I heard what you said about Howard, how are you?"

"I'm coping. He's got to have chemotherapy every other day for ten weeks but the doctor's think he's got a good chance of making a full recovery. I didn't think it'd ever happen to me, you know?"

She walked towards Cassandra and Cassandra stood up offering her the seat. As Kate sat down so did Cassandra but on the floor, her back against the wall, knees up to her chest.

"I haven't seen Trevor for two weeks so I thought I'd come and see him before my shift. Tell him what's been going on and that I haven't forgotten about him."

"He knows you're thinking of him."

"Does he? Or does he think I've given up on him like everybody else?"

Kate sighed and there was nothing spoken between the two. Cassandra caught sight of the time and realising she had to leave, breathed deeply. Standing up from the wall, she bent down and kissed his cheek, "see you soon Trevor."

"Twenty-seven years."

Cassandra heard the comment Kate made and turned around, "what?"

"We've been married twenty-seven years today."

"I'm sorry I didn't realise."

"It's okay," Kate bit down on her bottom lip and Cassandra stepped towards her and hugged her tightly, kissing the top of her head. She hated seeing Kate upset because there was nothing she could do to take away the pain. Kate was always better than her at making someone feel better.

"I wish there was something I could say Kate, I wish I could make it better for you."

Kate didn't answer she just kept hugging Cassandra tightly. She would never have got through the last couple of months if it wasn't for Cassandra or her children; they provided the support she desperately needed to cope with Trevor's accident.

"I'll be back later okay?"

Planting a kiss on Kate's forehead Cassandra left the side room where Trevor was, leant against the wall and sighed deeply. The walk back to the department seemed to take forever and when she arrived, she bumped into Baz sending her files flying everywhere.

"Oh god sorry," she bent down to help Baz pick up the papers scattered everywhere, "I'm in my own little world today, sorry."

Baz smiled slightly, "I should've been watching where I was going."

"You and me both," as they both stood up Cassandra apologised once again and headed of towards the staffroom. A couple of minutes later she came out and got on with the job in hand, hoping the shift would go rather quickly.

"Why aren't you giving blood?"

Cassandra looked up from the patient file she was reading, her eyes falling upon Mike, "what?"

"I asked why you aren't giving blood."

She smiled slightly. As much as she wanted to give blood she was unable too due to her pregnancy. Though not wanting everyone to discover her pregnancy she shrugged her shoulders and replied;

"I don't like needles."

Mike began to laugh, "because you don't like needles! What kind of excuse is there?"

"Oh shut up," she laughed, "anyway, find someone else to be a sheep. I'd give blood if I could but I can't, know can we leave it as that? Please."

"Fine!" Mike walked off and she wondered how many other people would ask if she was donating blood today. Mike had only been gone five seconds when Charlie asked, "I heard you're not giving blood?"

"Oh for Christ sake!" She slammed the file down on the desk, "if I get asked one more time why I'm not giving blood, I will strangle the person asking the question. I can't give blood."

"You can't or you don't want too?"

"Charlie!"

"Sorry," he apologised with a smile and the anger that Cassandra initially felt melted from her heart. Looking Charlie in the eye she whispered, "next time I fall pregnant, I'll write it on the staff notice board okay? That way everyone will know why I can't donate blood."

It took Charlie a couple of seconds to register what Cassandra was saying, "you're pregnant? Congratulations."

"Thanks but can this stay between me and you for now? I'm not sure I want the entire department to know that I'm pregnant, not until I'm ready okay?"

He smiled, told her he wouldn't mention it to anyone and left her alone to pick up the file and head back to her patient. Her shift passed quite quickly, nothing major happened or out of the ordinary until Charlie asked to see her in his office. She agreed but then was worried. Charlie never asked to see anyone unless it was important.

"What've I done?" She asked as she stepped into the room.

Charlie gestured for her to sit down but she swallowed hard. Her heart started to beat fast, her stomach flipped and she felt sick.

"It's Trevor isn't it? He's dead isn't he?"

She scanned Charlie's face desperately trying to find some sort of reassurance that she was wrong. He wasn't dead, she said she'd go and visit him tonight.

"I'm sorry," he began but she shook her head. Even though it was expected, she knew inside, a tiny part of her that this was always possible. Trevor would at some point die but now it had happened, the news still crushed her heart.

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	9. CHAPTER IX

Ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER NINE**  
_its four o'clock in the morning_

* * *

"You should be at the party." It's the first thing that breaks the silence between Kate and Cassandra when Cassandra goes up to see her. She's stood by the door, afraid of going in. Not because its death because she's used to people dying on her, she just isn't used to them been so close to her.

"I couldn't leave you to do this on your own."

"Did Baz send you? I told her I didn't want anyone."

"It was Charlie actually and tough you've got me," she smiled slightly and stepped into the room.

There was nothing spoken between them as Cassandra began to collect the cards from the shelf. She hated silence at the best of times but she hated it more so now, not sure what to say to Kate in the aftermath of Trevor's death. Swallowing hard she turned to Kate,

"I'm sorry I wasn't there at the end."

"You don't have to apologise Cassie, you couldn't be here at the end. You were working, remember."

"It still doesn't feel right," she sighed, "you've always been there for me and the one time you needed me most, I wasn't there. I'm sorry."

"Can you stop apologising just this once?"

"Sorry," their eyes met from across the room and they smiled slightly. She'd just finished collecting the cards and was about to place them on the table when a sharp pain shot through her stomach.

"Ouch!" she whispered. She looked up at Kate, eyes wide in terror and rubbed her stomach. After a couple of seconds the pains subsided and Kate asked, "are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she nodded with a smile. Nothing else was exchanged as the two adults went back to tidying the room. Cassandra knew Kate was giving her _that_ look, she could feel it. About five minutes later Cassandra doubled over in pain again as another pain shot through her stomach.

Kate placed her hands on Cassandra's arms and made her sit down, "you're in pain where?"

Cassandra bit her lower lip before she whispered, "my stomach. It's the baby I'm losing it."

Kate breathed deeply, "are you sure? Maybe we should take you to hospital?"

"We're in hospital."

"You know what I mean Cassie, are you sure?"

Cassandra nodded her head, "I've had two miscarriages Kate I know my body."

"Would you like me to ring Lorna, ask her to come and take you home?"

Cassandra shook her head, "I'm fine now come on, I promised I'd help you tidy the room!"

As Cassandra stood up and went back to tidying the room Kate sighed. She knew Cassandra was been stubborn and distracting herself from the reality of the situation, she was having another miscarriage and there wasn't anything she could do. With another sigh Kate too went back to tidying the room.

/

When she got home from tidying Trevor's room and had taken Kate home, she collapsed on the settee exhausted. The stomach cramps had gone and to her surprise, she hadn't started bleeding and she wondered if it was all in her hand, what if the baby was still there?

Howard walked into the living room from the kitchen and upon seeing Cassandra asked, "how are you?"

"I'm better than Kate," Cassandra replied with a small smile. She could feel tears begin to pool in her eyes and she was glad, now she could cry and begin the grieving process for Trevor.

Howard sat down beside her and pulled her into a hug. As soon as she buried her head into Howard's chest she began to cry. Cassandra couldn't get her head around the fact that Trevor was gone, he was never coming back. She was never going to see him at work or at Kate's; he'll never tell his jokes or ask about the children. Her heart felt heavy at the thought of been without Trevor, he was a good man, a brilliant husband and an even better father.

"I can't believe he's gone Howard, I know he was going to die but—"

Howard rubbed his hand up and down Cassandra's back as she cried. He'd met Trevor a handful of times and knew how much he'd meant to Cassandra. It seemed strange to think they'd never exchange words again. After Cassandra had stopped crying he kissed the top of her head.

"All better?"

She smiled sadly, "better now I've cried."

"Kate's lucky to have you."

"No," Cassandra smiled slightly, "_I'm_ lucky to have Kate. Can we go to bed now, I'm sleepy?"

He smiled softly and stood up from the settee. Giving Cassandra his hand she pulled herself up of the settee and together they walked up the stairs. The moment Cassandra got into bed her head hit the pillow, tomorrow was another day.

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	10. CHAPTER X

Ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER TEN**  
_push the button and let me go_

* * *

"Have you met the new consultant yet?" Gloria asked as her and Cassandra was seated in the staffroom. Cassandra was staring into space, lost in her own little world.

"Cassie? Cassandra?"

"Hmm?" Eventually Gloria's voice broke through Cassandra's thoughts and she turned her head to look at the woman. She looked back at Cassandra and wondered how she was coping with Trevor's death, his death had hit them all hard but she knew how close Cassandra and Trevor were.

"Have you met the new consultant yet?"

"No I haven't, I reckon he'll be a prick though."

"What makes you say that?"

She shrugged her shoulders, "I feel it in my bones that we're going to clash. Me and Mike clashed a lot so why wouldn't me and the new highflier?"

"He could be different I guess."

"Gloria," she caught sight of the time and stood up, "don't you find all consultants are arrogant arseholes who think they're above everyone else. It's like the criteria for a consultant is that they have to be a prick."

As she put one hand on the door handle she pulled the door open, "I better get back to work before Charlie sends a search party out for me."

As she left the room she walked along the corridor before she saw Charlie and a man. She presumed he was the new consultant and it was only as Charlie walked towards her, they were introduced.

"This is Cassandra; she's one of our staff nurses. Cassandra this is Jack our new consultant."

Jack extended his hand and Cassandra shook it, "nice to meet you."

She knew she should never judge based on appearances but she did. Her first opinion of Jack was right; he did look the type to be a complete arse. When he turned to walk away Cassandra wondered how long it would be until there were fireworks between the two of them.

/

"I'm sorry I should be clear that's how I work."

"Message is coming through."

"Good because I'm not about to audition for your loyalty or your trust Baz, I expect that from day one."

Cassandra stood outside Baz's office listening in on Baz's and Jack's conversation. He was beginning to really piss her off and she could feel the anger rise inside of her.

She'd gone to speak to Baz about something but had become distracted when she'd heard the conversation between her and Jack, she hated pricks like that with a passion! For some reason the always reminded her of Billy, a bully.

Jack came out of the office and upon seeing Cassandra responded; "you shouldn't earsdrop Cassandra, haven't you got work to do?"

She smiled slightly, "I wouldn't be so paranoid Mr Hathaway and I'm here to speak to Baz, is that okay with you?"

Jack wondered if Cassandra knew what she was like and did she know not to make an enemy of him? Then again Jack didn't know Cassandra and how difficult she could be.

"If I was you Cassandra I wouldn't make an enemy of me," he stared her right in the eye as he said it but Cassandra hardly batted an eyelid.

"If I didn't know better Mr Hathaway, I would've taken that as a threat? I'm not scared of bullies like you, god I was married to one for seven years. Perhaps you should "watch your back"?"

There was a deadly silence between the two, "are you threatening me?"

She laughed, "of course not I'm just giving you some advice. Now can I please speak to Baz?"

She moved past him and Jack watched as she walked into the office. He sighed. He had never met anyone as brave as Cassandra to stand up to him before. Cassandra wasn't afraid of him and he didn't like that, he didn't like an independent woman who could put him in his place with a few words.

"Are you okay?" Baz asked the moment her eyes fell upon Cassandra at her office door. Both ladies were still reeling from their conversations with Jack.

"Yeah," she forced a smile, "though I don't know if I'm coming to you for advice as a friend or a doctor or both really."

"How are things?"

Cassandra sighed. To be honest things were terrible. Howard's chemotherapy was taking it out of him, he was sick and tired. The children were acting up, she'd lost the baby and to make matters worse she was getting threatened by morons for consultants.

"I'm not going to lie they're though. I'm tired, more tired than I ever expected to be. As for Howard, the chemo is just taking it out of him. I, I really don't know what to do. The baby, the baby's gone and I'm just exhausted but I have to go on I guess. The children aren't going to look after themselves are they? I need to be strong but I'm struggling Baz, I'm really struggling."

She didn't know why she burst into tears, maybe it was because she was talking about how she felt for the first time in forever. Baz sighed deeply at the youngster and wrapped her arms around her as Cassandra cried into her chest. She hoped things got better for Cassandra, she really did.

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	11. CHAPTER XI

Ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER ELEVEN**  
_the way it used to be_

* * *

Cassandra isn't sure how it started, when she began to use speed to cope with the downward spiral she was heading in. She didn't know when it became a problem, when speed was the only one worth getting up for.

She'd taken some the night before when she'd been out dancing all night with a former friend from college. Her and Howard had had a disagreement about something and she'd stormed out, heels in one hand and miniskirt on, ready to dance the night away. Both girls had done just that, danced and drank the entire night not caring that they both had to get up and work the next morning. In fact neither of them went back home all night and all day, by the time Cassandra finished out of the club it was gone five and she was on an early at seven at the hospital.

Sending a text message to Howard telling him she wouldn't be home until after work, she ended up going straight to work. Cassandra couldn't even walk in her shoes at this point, her heels hurting her feet and she held them in her hands as she took the short walk to the hospital. She wasn't even bothered if she cut her feet on any of the glass on the floor, they were already sore. Reaching the hospital for just after six, she made her way to the reception desk where Matt sat. She noted he was very quiet and she'd heard all about his argument with a patient yesterday.

Dropping her heels onto the desk with a clatter, Matt looked up and smiled at her.

"Good night was it?"

"As good as it could've been yes." She smiled, "how are you holding up? I heard about that dick head yesterday, don't let him get to you. Nothing bad will happen, Charlie will make sure of that. Trust me."

Matt smiled softly at Cassandra's reassuring words even though he didn't believe them. They would throw the book at him especially Lisa Jenson when she got herself involved. The higher the management was, the worse the consequences.

"Are you working today?" He asked eventually breaking the silence between the two. Cassandra nodded slowly and answered; "unfortunately. If it were up to me, I'd still be dancing."

Picking up her heels again she walked away from the desk and went into the staffroom. Deciding it was time to get ready; Cassandra opened her locker and took out her uniform. A short while later Cassandra was all ready for work. With a deep breath she left the staff room and went to work.

The first couple of hours seemed to pass quite quickly for her liking however every time she walked into reception, she noticed that Matt still wasn't his usual self. She leant against the counter and shouted his name. When he looked in her direction she smiled and answered; "if that Lisa Jenson is anything to go by, she'll be a tart who's shagged her way to the top of her career."

As soon as she said it there was a cough behind her and she slowly turned around. Her eyes fell upon no other than Lisa Jenson herself and Cassandra couldn't help the smirk that appeared upon her face. Even Matt struggled to contain his laughter.

"Wasn't aware you were stood behind me."

"Clearly," Their eyes connected which each other's a bit more before Cassandra excused herself. It was always her who put her foot into things but she was glad Matt had a smile upon his face. What were friends for ey?

Her next patient really annoyed her. A woman who was an addict, heavily pregnant whose addiction had caused the stillbirth of her baby and whose other daughter was bitten by a dog whilst trying to get help. Cassandra hated people who didn't put their children first. Regardless of the situation, the moment you became a mother your children came before anything else. Even Cassandra put her own children first before anything, even budgeting so there was enough food to go round.

"Have you ever wondered why your baby died?"

Cassandra wasn't even aware that she was speaking out loud. Linda just stared at her for several seconds before she asked, "I didn't do anything wrong."

"You're a smack head that's why your baby died."

"You can't talk to me like that!"

"Tough I can and I have. Every time you shoot up, every time you put that junk into your veins, you're been selfish and only thinking of yourself! Rachel deserves better. Rachel deserves a mother who's going to be there for her and not someone who's going to put heroin above her."

Jack's voice bellowed through the cubicle when he listened to Cassandra having a go at Linda. He opened the curtain, took one look at Cassandra and told her to get outside now. As she stormed out of the cubicle she turned to Jack, "what?"

"How dare you speak to a patient like that?!"

"She's nothing but a skank. She killed her baby!"

"Get to the staff room now, I'll be talking to Charlie about this!"

Cassandra knew if she didn't walk away now, she wouldn't have a job to come back to in the morning. As she began to walk away Jack called after her and asked her where she was going. She didn't even bother replying, there wasn't much point she wouldn't be able to hold her tongue. Slamming the door shut when she reached the staff room, she slammed her fist into the lockers! Some people were selfish and didn't deserve children.

* * *

**jottings** — if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	12. CHAPTER XII

Ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER TWELVE**  
_your going to see me fly_

* * *

After that incident with Linda, Cassandra was sent home and told to take some time off for personal reasons. Of course she didn't want time off. If she sat at home doing nothing, it meant all she did was think about how ill Howard was and how he might not get better. At least by working she was keeping herself distracted from the possible scenario.

Katherine sat on the edge of Cassandra's bed when she woke in the early hours of the morning. She couldn't sleep; she was worrying about her father. What if he died like her mother did? She gently shook Cassandra awake, "Cassie? Cassie?"

Cassandra slowly began to wake at the person nudging her and slowly opened her eyes. The bright lights caused her to blink several times and she slowly focused on Katherine who sat on the edge of the bed, tears pouring down her cheeks. Sitting up slowly, she looked at her stepdaughter and immediately pulled her into a hug, "oh Kath! What's the matter sweetie?"

"Is dad going to die?"

Cassandra sighed deeply but didn't speak. She didn't know how to answer Katherine's question. It was a possibility Howard could die but he might not, the cancer was caught and treatment started immediately which may have given him a fighting chance. Cassandra kissed the top of Katherine's head before replying, "I don't know. He could die but he might not. I really don't know."

"What will happen to me and Samuel if dad does die? Will we have to go into care?"

Cassandra knew in the bottom of her heart that if anything happened to Howard, she'd take on Katherine and Samuel as though they were her own children. She knew she owed them that. Truth was Katherine and Samuel was like Cassandra's own children. With a sad smile she shook her head, "No you'll stay with me. I promise nothing will happen to you and Samuel. You're both like my own children and I know your father would want me to be part of your lives."

"Promise?"

Cassandra smiled softly, "I pinky promise, how about that?"

After Katherine fell asleep in her arms, Cassandra spent the rest of the night lying awake and thinking about everything. She never thought about what might happen to Katherine and Samuel if Howard did lose his battle with cancer. She knew she had to be married to Howard in order to be given parental rights over Katherine and Samuel, even that or adopt them. Running her hand through Katherine's hair she decided she was going to have a word with Howard about adopting Katherine and Samuel. They were a perfect family, why not make it official?

She was pretty quiet when she was at work, too quiet for what was considered normal for Cassandra because everyone was noticing and questioning her on it. Her answer kept been the same, she was tired, she was ill etc. She didn't even tell Baz or Kate the truth. She didn't know how to tell people. Howard was slowly getting increasingly worse and the doctors kept telling her to prepare herself for the worst. She couldn't. Cassandra couldn't lose him. He'd been there through everything; she couldn't watch Howard die now when she needed him the most.

"Are you okay?"

Baz's voice broke through Cassandra's thoughts and she looked at Baz and nodded her head. She was fine, she had to be. She had five children at home that needed their routine.

"I'm okay."

"No you're not, what's the matter?"

Cassandra fiddled with the ring around her finger and sighed deeply, "Howard's seriously ill. He contracted pneumonia and because of his weak immune system anyway, he's been put into a coma. He's currently in ICU fighting for his life. The doctor's keep telling me to prepare for the worst."

"I didn't realise it was so serious," Baz began and Cassandra cut her off, "you weren't to know, I haven't told anyone. It's just hard keeping five children's hopes up when you haven't got much hope left yourself. The older two know he's going to die and they're worried about what's going to happen to them if he does. I mean, I don't have any parental rights so I won't be able to keep them together. The social will have them and then what? They get lost in the care system."

"I'm sure it's not going to come to that."

"Isn't it? The problem is Baz what if it does? What if he dies? How an earth am I expected to cope with five children, two of who aren't actually my own? I don't think I could cope on my own."

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	13. CHAPTER XIII

Ϟ

* * *

CHAPTER THIRTEEN  
_is this really love or just a game?_

* * *

Howard's no better a week later – he's still critical in intensive care and the doctor's still think he hasn't got much time left. His body's too weak from the chemotherapy and the pneumonia is slowly killing him. She doesn't believe it, how can he die? How can she let him die?

She gets signed off work for three weeks knowing that she's never going to be able to manage work, raising five children and struggling to cope with the latest development with Howard's cancer. She's physically exhausted even more mentally and all she wants is for everything to go back to normal.

Cassandra sits by his bedside one day, all day and all night. She'd hired a babysitter to look after the children whilst she had a bit of peace. It wasn't peace as such, the silence of the room was broken every now and then by the beeping of the machine. She linked her hand in his and squeezed his hand.

"Come on Howard, you've got to wake up." She sighed deeply, "remember what you said. You've got me and the children to beat this for. We need you, _I_ need you!"

The machine began to beep and Howard began to stir. She looked at the figure and pressed the button on the wall to alert the staff that Howard was waking from his coma. As a doctor and a nurse entered the room Cassandra stepped back and allowed them to work. She wasn't going to get in the way. A few minutes later Cassandra was sat next to Howard who was sat up slightly in bed, staring at Cassandra his hand in hers.

"I didn't worry you did I?" Howard asked with a small smile, "I'm sorry babe."

He reached over and kissed her softly on the lips. Howard hadn't meant to worry her, he didn't realise how ill he'd get. Cassandra sat on the edge of the bed and cuddled up with Howard. They didn't speak for a little bit, both of them just hugging each other aware of how close they'd come to losing each other.

"The children will be happy to know you're awake."

Howard kissed the top of Cassandra's head, "what did you tell the children?"

"There wasn't anything I could say other than the truth. I explained to the younger three that you were poorly and the doctors were trying to make you better. Katherine and Samuel knew the truth, they knew you could die. Katherine was scared because she wasn't too sure what would happen to her and Samuel if you were to die. Obviously I have no parental rights for your children but it wouldn't bother me. I'd take on Katherine and Samuel as my own if you were to die."

"I'm not going to silly," Howard kissed the top of Cassandra's head; "I got ill. We all get ill from time to time. I promise you I'm not going to leave you or the children."

"You can't promise that though can you? You hope you can beat this but we've got to be realistic. What if you die from this? Then what do we do as a family?"

There was a pause as Howard collected his thoughts. He knew she had a point. He _could_ die from cancer and then what was going to happen? Howard kissed the top of her head again and nothing was spoken for several minutes. In fact nothing else was spoken for the reminder of the night until Cassandra knew she had to leave to go back home to the children.

It was a further three weeks when Howard was well enough to return home. He'd been feeling better with his pneumonia and chemotherapy and the doctors were pleased with his progress. The children were excited to have Howard back. Zachary, Courtney and Alexis had missed the presence of Howard in their life and it had begun to be effect their schooling which was understandable. Samuel and Katherine were feeling better about themselves know they knew their father was getting stronger every day and now he'd been able to come back home.

The children, all five of them had created a cake with the words Welcome Home along the front. Cassandra felt all warm inside knowing that everything was going to work out now. Howard wasn't going to die; she was going to go back to work to earn a living and the children were all going to be okay. At the end of the party when she'd put the younger three to bed and set the older two their bedtime, she sat on the edge of the settee, her head resting on Howard's shoulder.

"Cassie?"

"Hmm."

"Cassie? You know all this chemotherapy," he paused. It had always been in his life plan to have a large family, he'd been lucky enough to have two with Clare his ex-wife and he'd always planned to have more when the time came. It'd been unfortunate that he and Cassandra hadn't been able to have their own, her pregnancies often resulting in miscarriage. He wanted to, when the cancer had gone to try again for a baby with Cassandra but the chemotherapy used to treat his tumour was going to make that impossible. He was infertile.

"Yes Howard?"

He linked his hand with hers, "you know I've always wanted a child with you?"

"Yes."

He bit his lower lip softly, "the chemotherapy is going to make that impossible. They think I'm going to be infertile. I'm sorry Cassie because I know how much you wanted another child!"

Cassandra laughed slightly and shook her head. Babies didn't matter to her. It didn't bother her that she wasn't ever going to have another baby. All that mattered was that Howard was healthy and alive. She kissed him softly on the lips before she replied, "all I want is you Howard. Just you, now come on, shall we go to bed?"

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	14. CHAPTER XIV

X

* * *

**CHAPTER FOURTEEN**  
_can we try again?_

* * *

Cassandra's ecstatic to go back to work after three weeks. Things are good; Howard's getting better and even the doctors are surprised at how better he is now compared to just three weeks ago. She's stood in front of the mirror clipping bobby pins into her hair when Howard walks up to her and snakes his arms around her. Kissing her neck he didn't say anything.

As he kissed her neck she groaned softly. He always found the right spot to kiss, the place she was most ticklish and she closed her eyes and bit down on her bottom lip. Turning around she snaked her arms around his neck and kissed him softly, "I love you. You know that don't you?"

"Of course I do silly," he kissed her nose.

"And you know I'd never do anything to hurt you?"

"Yes Cassie I know," he kissed her once more on the lips and began to walk away knowing she needed to get ready for work otherwise she'd be late.

As he moved out of the bedroom and into the hallway, he leant against the wall and sighed deeply. Howard still hadn't told Cassandra his news that he wanted to retire and spend his days at home with the children whilst Cassandra went to work. He knew it made sense. He couldn't ask Cassandra to give up her career and having cancer made him realise, life was too short. He wanted to be here whilst his children grew up.

He knew he'd tell her tonight when she got home from work.

Cassandra felt the nerves pool in the bottom of her stomach as she pulled on her jeans. She'd been away for three weeks and it was nerve-racking going back. She wondered how people would react to her coming back. She knew she'd be gossip of the hospital. She chewed her lower lip and put on her tee-shirt and jacket. Kissing the children and Howard once more before she left, she pulled open the door and stepped into the brisk air.

She shivered as she closed the door and walked down the steps and towards the hospital. As she was walking, she was thinking how quiet the roads were at this time of the morning. She liked early mornings at the hospital dealing with the backlog from last night. There weren't many people requiring treatment at seven o'clock on a Tuesday morning. They were all been seen to in A&amp;E having come in during the night.

Hearing footsteps behind her, she didn't think anything of it. Cassandra surely wasn't the only one heading to work this morning. Crossing the road, she reached the other side of the pavement and realised that the person had initially followed her. That's when she began to freak out slightly. Stopping in the middle of the pavement, she took out her mobile phone when someone collided with her. Hearing the mobile phone drop on the floor, she breathed deeply at the broken mess.

Bending down to retrieve the phone, she felt someone's hands on her and she stood up. Turning round she saw a man, late twenties with hazel eyes and a moustache. He smiled and asked if she was okay. Cassandra nodded and felt strange, a looming feeling of dread that something was going to go wrong.

Suddenly without warning, the man reached out and grabbed Cassandra. Not realising that Cassandra was handy with her fists and had taken self-defence classes at the age of fifteen after she was raped. Cassandra's fist collided with the man's face several times before his hand slowly let go from Cassandra's coat. The look changed in the man's eyes to one of rage and Cassandra had seen it plenty of times with Billy.

She wanted to back down but she couldn't. She wasn't going to be raped. She wasn't going to be classed as a victim again, those days were long gone. The man's hand curled into a fist and collided with the side of Cassandra's mouth splitting the skin and causing it to bleed slightly. Cassandra pressed the back of her hand to her mouth before kicking the man in the privates.

The man feeling her foot collide with his privates instantly cupped his hands around his balls and doubled over in pain. Why couldn't he pick a woman that didn't fight back? Cassandra realising this was her chance to escape began to run in the direction of the hospital not bothered about her phone. She could always replace her phone; on the other hand she only had one chance at life.

Reaching the hospital a couple of minutes past seven, late for her shift, she immediately began to worry about how people would preserve her. Cassandra was late on her first shift back after been signed of sick for three weeks. She reached the staff room and threw her coat in the locker. She chewed her lower lip as the door opened and Kate walked in. Their eyes connected for a moment before Kate noticed that Cassandra's lip had been split open.

"Are you okay?"

Cassandra placed her hand over her mouth and nodded, "some mad prick on the way to work this morning. I don't know why but he wanted to punch me. Clearly didn't realise I'm handy with my fists too. I've not had time to check it out, didn't realise I was late for work. I'm sorry."

"It's fine," Kate smiled slightly having an uncomfortable feeling in the bottom of her stomach that maybe Cassandra was lying to her again, like she did all those years ago when she was seventeen years old. There was a comfortable silence before Cassandra closed her locker and walked towards the door. There was still nothing spoken until Kate broke the ever-growing silence,

"Are you sure everything's okay?"

Cassandra nodded, that smile on her face that she used to fool everyone, "honestly Kate, everything's fine. Where do you want me?"

As Kate told Cassandra to go and check Ms White's observations in cubicle five, Kate still couldn't shake that feeling that something was going wrong. What if Cassandra had got herself caught in the same situation as she had when she was married to Billy? Kate sighed. She really hoped it wasn't Howard hitting her, everyone knew how it ended when Cassandra was married to Billy. Leaving the staffroom she told herself she had work to do, she hoped by working she'd distract herself from thinking about Cassandra too much.

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	15. CHAPTER XV

X

* * *

**CHAPTER FIFTEEN**  
_oh baby talk to me, oh baby_

* * *

Cassandra wished she didn't feel that nervous when she started because as soon as she stepped foot into the hospital, her nerves disappeared. She'd done Ms White's observations when she realised she hadn't seen Charlie. Not realising he'd been suspended she asked Jude.

"Where's Charlie?"

"You haven't heard have you?"

Cassandra shrugged her shoulders, "heard what? I haven't been here for three, no four weeks. What've I missed?"

Jude glanced around making sure the coast was clear before she told Cassandra that Charlie had been suspended due to a claim of sexual harassment. It had come at a bad time as Louis had been rushed into Accident and Emergency again and it had turned out that the nanny wasn't quite right in the head.

"Oh my god Charlie's been accused of sexual harassment? That's a load of fucking bull."

"Baz is in pieces."

"Yeah well I ain't surprised. To find out your nanny's got a screw loose and putting blood in your little ones nappy and then your partner gets accused of sexual harassment can't be easy can it? Talking of Baz, is she in her office?"

"I think so," Jude smiled softly and realising the time stood up to leave. It was only a few minutes later as Cassandra was walking past the reception desk having been in Resus that Matt asked loudly breaking through her thoughts, "where's Jude going?"

Cassandra frowned and looked at the door just as Jude left. With a shrug of the shoulders Cassandra replied back that she didn't ask, it wasn't her place too. If Kate had authorised it then so be it. She wasn't a nosey sod like most people in this place. Leaning over she asked Matt if he was feeling better after that moron had put in a compliant a few weeks ago.

"Yeah Lisa Jenson said he accepted the apology."

"Well good the twat should've never complained and you should never have had to apologise. You didn't do anything wrong," she smiled softly as he asked her if she was alright after everything. The place hadn't been the same since Cassandra went off sick. Everyone was worried that Howard wasn't going to pull through and he was the best thing to happen to Cassandra in a long time.

"Yeah everything's fine. Howard's feeling much better, looks like himself too." She bit down on her lower lip gently as she continued, "I actually thought he was going to die you know?"

"I know Cass," he smiled softly and touched her hand. Giving it a squeeze she left the reception area and went to see Baz. The office door was closed and she gently knocked on. She could hear a voice inside that sounded like Jack and decided she was going to come back later. She really wasn't in the mood for having an argument with that prick!

Leaving the office she walked down the corridor and down the stairs into the department. Heading to the staff room she opened her locker and took out her handbag. Inside her handbag was a small bag of powder, speed. The drug she'd been using to self-medicate because of life. She didn't know when it became a problem, when she began to struggle to make it a full day without feeling the need to snort speed or dab it on her gums.

The sound of the staffroom door closing made Cassandra jump and she dropped the bag of white powder on the floor. She quickly looked up at the person who walked in and was slightly relieved to find it was Gloria and not Jack or Kate. Gloria stepped forwards towards the bag before Cassandra could get it and asked what it was.

There was a silence as Cassandra held the bag in her hand tightly.

"What is it Cassie?"

"Nothing you need to know about Gloria."

Gloria wasn't stupid, she knew it was drugs but she couldn't believe Cassandra would be so irresponsible. Of course she'd heard it wasn't the first time. A few years ago her drink had been spiked and secondly, she'd taken too much ecstasy. Gloria knew she had to tell Kate or Baz, they seemed to be the only two people who could get through to Cassandra when she was on a self-destructive streak.

"I can't believe you'd be so irresponsible."

"Screw you Gloria," she threw the bag back into her handbag and shut her locker, "you better not tell anyone about this otherwise-" she paused not sure if she should say something. Sighing deeply she decided not to follow through on her threat and left the staff room. As the door closed behind her with a slam, Gloria knew it was wrong, she shouldn't go through people's possessions but she also knew Cassandra was a damn good nurse who just made a few bad decisions.

Glancing around making sure the coast was clear Gloria took a deep breath as she opened Cassandra's locker. Reaching into her handbag Gloria found the small bag of powder when the door opened and she heard Baz's voice; "Gloria, what are you doing?"

"Oh nothing!" She slammed the locker shut and stared at Baz. Baz didn't say anything but knew she'd stumbled upon something, she could read Gloria's body language, and she was definitely hiding something. There was an awkward silence between the two before Gloria broke the silence,

"You need to speak to Cassie, urgently."

"I do?" Baz asked and Gloria nodded. With the bag in her hand she walked towards Baz and dropped it into her hand. As Gloria left the staff room, Baz looked down at the bag of powder and knew what it was inside, speed. Baz sighed. Speed was all too familiar for her as it was something she used when she was young and naïve to help her through the working day and pressures of being a senior house officer.

Finding Cassandra she wasn't too sure what to say. Baz couldn't just ask her out right if Cassandra had an addiction to speed could she? She knew she had to thread carefully especially as Cassandra was the type of person to fly of the handle at every little thing.

"Can we talk?"

Cassandra looked up at Baz as she was scrolling through the medical dictionary. She was currently busy with a patient in fourteen and decided that she couldn't leave her patient for a bit.

"Can it wait, I'm rather busy."

Baz was silent for a moment as she listened to Cassandra. She knew she had to get it sorted, leaving it wasn't an option. Cassandra needed to know that speed was never going to make it better.

"Make sure you see me after your shift okay?"

As she walked away Baz remembered the time when she was an SHO and Charlie had discovered her small addiction to amphetamines. He'd given her a choice. Either she was to give them up or he'd tell. After that she never touched speed again. She just hoped Cassandra would take the same choice as Baz did when faced with the possibility of losing the job she'd grown to love.

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	16. CHAPTER XVI

X

* * *

**CHAPTER SIXTEEN**  
_i see no changes_

* * *

Cassandra stood outside Charlie's office, her heart beating furiously inside her chest. She had a bad feeling about why Baz wanted to speak to her. She thought it may have something to do with her addiction to amphetamine but Cassandra remembered the only person who knew was Gloria and she hoped the daft cow hadn't told anyone. If she did her job would be on the line. Jack didn't like her and this would be an excuse just to get rid of her.

As she knocked on the door Cassandra waited for the voice inside to tell her to come in. She bit her lower lip hard as she placed her hand on the door and opened the door. Baz sat inside on Charlie's desk and she tugged at the loose strand of hair and closed the door behind her.

"You wanted to see me?"

"Yes I did," she guested for Cassandra to take a seat and she did, her heart still beating several miles per hour inside her chest. She was surprised it wasn't that loud that Baz could hear how nervous she was.

"What's this about?"

Baz paused. How did she tell Cassandra she knew all about her addiction to speed and the fact Gloria went through her belongings to find the small packet. Baz pushed the packet of amphetamine across the table. Cassandra's eyes followed the package and she shook her head.

"That isn't mine."

Cassandra knew it was wrong to lie but she wasn't sure what Baz was going to say. She remembered the time she was brought into hospital because she collapsed after taking ecstasy and how Baz reacted then. They'd had a massive argument before Cassandra realised that Baz wasn't the enemy, she was only looking out for her the same way Kate was.

"Gloria gave it to me."

Hearing that Gloria had being through her belongings made Cassandra angry. She slammed her hand down on the desk and cursed, "she had no fucking right to go through my stuff!"

"She did it because she cared."

There was a pause as Baz looked at Cassandra. The youngster bit her lower lip not really knowing what to say because she couldn't deny it now. Gloria had given the speed to Baz and now Baz was giving her the friendly talk.

After a couple of minutes Cassandra broke the silence, "what are you going to do?"

"I'm not going to tell Charlie, if you promise not to do it again."

"Why are you giving me a choice?"

"I'm giving you the same choice Charlie gave me when I was an SHO. I too, like you were dabbling in speed just to keep me awake when I was revising for my exams. Charlie found out and told me I had a choice. Give it up or give up my job. I'm giving you the same choice Cassie; you're not a bad person. You just make a few bad choices like the rest of us."

Cassandra listened to Baz and raised an eyebrow when she heard that Baz herself had used speed at some point. She knew she shouldn't have surprised her. There were a million and one things about people she didn't know, everyone had secrets they didn't want to broadcast.

She paused and knew the sensible option would be to accept the decision. If she was to give up drugs, she'd have a job to come back too. The only problem was, did she really want to be here. Did she want to give up speed and be brought back to her shitty reality?

Cassandra made eye contact, forced a smile and replied; "okay I promise I won't touch it anymore."

She wondered if Baz was stupid enough to believe an addict's lies. Cassandra knew she had to give it up but she couldn't. Taking speed made her forget Howard's illness and the five children that depended on her at home.

As she walked home, she thought long and hard about her decision. She needed to be absolutely certain that if she said she'd given it up, she couldn't show signs of still using. She knew Baz was deadly serious. If she wasn't going to give it up, she'd tell Jack and that would be the end of her career. Jack didn't like her at the best of times – he wasn't going to like her if she was an addict too.

Cassandra sighed, if only she stopped making life so complicated.

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	17. CHAPTER XVII

X

* * *

**CHAPTER SEVENTEEN**  
_what's a mother meant to do?_

* * *

Cassandra could feel the vibrations of the music as she knelt on the tiled floor of the bathroom. She'd been out with Sam since seven, both of them agreeing to a few drinks in the local pub but of course had got lost in the atmosphere of alcohol and music and moved onto this club near the river.

It'd been a week since her conversation with Baz about speed and whether or not she was going to give it up. She lied of course. She told Baz she'd never touch the drug again but here she was, kneeling on the cold floor with the toilet seat down – two lines of speed on top.

She rolled up the twenty pound note and placed it at the beginning of the first line. She was about to snort the drug when she heard the door of the cubicle begin to open. A bouncer saw her on the floor, two lines of white powder on top of the toilet seat and smiled.

"Well, well, well what do we have here?"

Cassandra heard the voice of the bouncer and stood up. As she turned around, her eyes fell upon the most attractive person she'd ever seen. He was tanned, tall with the most striking brown eyes she'd ever seen before. She licked her lips seductively.

"Well I could always give you a little something, make sure you don't tell?"

She giggled and flicked her hair back over her shoulder before pulling him into the cubicle. As he stared at her knowing he should probably kick her out of the club for the use of illegal drugs, she began to undo his belt. With a bite of her lip, she unzipped his flies and took his member in her hand.

He groaned and she knew what she had to do to keep her secret safe.

/

"Where've you been?" When she emerged back onto the dance floor twenty minutes later, high on speed, Sam wondered where Cassandra had got too. It had been ages since she disappeared off to the toilet and for a moment Sam thought she'd left him alone in the club.

"A girls gonna spend all her time looking gorgeous," Cassandra giggled, a bottle of hooch in her hand. Sam watched as she danced an uncomfortable feeling inside. She seemed different, different to the last time they'd spoke before she disappeared to the toilet.

Sam had a feeling it was drugs but he didn't see why Cassandra felt the need to dabble in drugs. She was confident, pretty; she certainly didn't look like the self-destructive type. Then again what was the self-destructive type? He placed his hand on her arm and whispered into her ear,

"Look at me Cassie!"

Cassandra turned slowly to look Sam in the eye and that's when he saw the tell-tale signs of drug use. Her pupils were dilated and he felt his heart sink. Cassandra didn't seem the type to do drugs and he knew this wouldn't be the first time she'd dabbled in drugs.

"Have you taken something?"

Cassandra heard what Sam said and shook her head. She couldn't admit to it could she? She was meant to be free from the addiction. She told Baz she would never touch the stuff again. She shook her arm free from Sam's hand and walked off towards the exit needing some air. Sam followed her not wanting to leave her on her own. If she'd taken an illegal substance she needed looking after.

The pair of them left the club. Cassandra was leant against the brick wall pulling her dress down to keep her dignified. Sam leant against the wall too, on her right and there was a silence before Sam broke it, wanting to know what she'd taken. If she had a reaction to it, it would help save her life.

"I know you've taken something Cassie, what've you taken?"

"Nothing now can you drop it?"

"Cassie!"

Cassandra ignored him and took her mobile phone out of her bag. As she did she dropped her bag on the floor and her makeup and drugs fell out. Sam bent down to retrieve them and picked up the small bag of white powder. Cassandra went to grab it from him but he kept hold of it.

"What is it?"

She sighed but still didn't reply. She rang a taxi company and asked them to pick them up outside the club and take them home to two separate locations. As she put her mobile phone back into her bag, she stared at Sam and asked; "can I have it back please?"

"Not until you tell me what it is."

"Why do you want to know?"

There was a pause. Sam wasn't sure why he wanted to know, he couldn't do anything about it could he? Cassandra was a grown woman. She bit her lower lip slightly and replied; "it's speed okay? Now can I have it back?"

Sam reluctantly handed Cassandra back the small packet of powder and sighed. He didn't know what to do. Kate. He'd talk to Kate, Kate would know what to do right?

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	18. CHAPTER XVIII

X

* * *

**CHAPTER EIGHTEEN**  
_i'll be missing you_

* * *

Cassandra's back in Charlie's office, only this time it isn't Baz giving her the lecture it's Kate. Cassandra knows it was Sam who'd grassed her up, either Sam or Baz. She couldn't imagine it been Baz. That woman could keep a secret. Sam on the other hand was a worrier, that's what made him a great nurse.

She doesn't even bother sitting down, she knows the drill. Instead she just leans against the wall, arms folded across her chest as Kate too is sat on the edge of the desk. There's a pause between them neither of them knowing what to say.

"I need you to be honest with me Cassie, are you in trouble?"

Cassandra laughed. Was she in trouble? Not at the present minute as her addiction was under control, it would only be in the next few weeks that her addiction wouldn't be. She was already spending far too much money on a small amount of speed to get her through the day, a small bag only lasting her two days at a push.

"No."

Kate didn't believe her but she knew there was a time that Cassandra would confine in Kate. Kate wondered if it was Trevor's death for the catalyst for everything to go wrong.

"You're lying."

Cassandra shrugged, "do you really care if I am?"

Kate wondered why Cassandra was hell bent on destroying everything good she had in life. She had a job she loved, a family who adored her and friends who always had her back. Even know, even though she was using drugs nobody wanted to be the one to get her into serious trouble. She was a good nurse just silly with her choices in life.

"Cassie will you please talk to me?"

"Why? Is talking going to change anything?"

"Why are you so determining to ruin everything?"

There was a pause on Cassandra's side before she replied. She didn't know why she wanted to destroy everything. She didn't want to destroy anything; she just wanted to feel something. She didn't want to be the one who had a sick partner at home, or the one with five children who depended on her. She just wanted to be Cassie, twenty-five years old and having a life.

"Cassie?"

It was almost if Kate was the only one who could get through to Cassie, truly get through to her. Cassandra's eyes began to fill with tears and she just burst out crying. She couldn't explain why she was so hell-bent on destroying everything she'd worked hard for.

As she cried Kate looked at the child she'd taken on as a surrogate daughter and felt her heart sink. She knew Cassandra was struggling and trying to deal with things in her own way. Kate stood up from leaning against the edge of the table and slowly walked towards Cassandra and pulled her into a hug. As Cassandra sobbed into her shoulder, she whispered;

"I'm sorry Kate, I really am sorry for being a horrible bitch."

Kate smiled softly as she rubbed her hand up and down Cassandra's back.

"You haven't been a bitch."

"I have. I've been horrible to everyone, you, Baz, Charlie, Sam. I don't know how it started, really Kate, I really don't know why I wanted to try drugs. Why I became addicted."

After she'd stopped crying, they had a talk. Cassandra didn't understand why Kate had the patience to deal with her. Sometimes she wasn't a twenty-five year old adult she was a child. The same seventeen year old Kate found in A&amp;E at Queen's almost every day.

"Do you remember how we first met?" Kate asked Cassandra and Cassandra nodded. She wouldn't ever forget meeting Kate. Kate was the one who changed her life, the one who made her realise that what Billy was doing to her wasn't normal, it was abuse.

"Yes," she smiled softly. When she'd first met Billy he was a darling. He was kind, friendly, didn't seem bothered by the attention Cassandra got. It was only as the months passed he got controlling, made her lose contact with her friends and family before physically abusing her one night.

"You made me realise that Billy was the one in the wrong, not me."

"I didn't Cassie, you did that. I didn't do anything."

Cassandra laughed. It was typical of Kate to say she didn't do anything but the truth was she had, she'd done more than she thought she had. Cassandra knew if it wasn't for Kate, she'd be dead. That was going to be evident when she turned up one day in accident and emergency close to deaths door. In her marriage there was always going to be someone dead, her or Billy.

"No you really did do something Kate, it was just you been there. You cleaned up my wounds, stitched them up and gently advised me. I know you've probably wanted to slap me over the years especially every time I made excuses for the moron."

"I was just doing my job."

"No you were doing more than your job; you were looking after me because you knew nobody else would." Cassie tugged at the strand of loose hair that had fallen out of her bobble and smiled sweetly. She'd always wondered where she'd be now if she hadn't moved to Holby or started this job with the people she loved. She could probably guess where she would be though – in the morgue.

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**jottings** — if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	19. CHAPTER XIX

X

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**CHAPTER NINETEEN**  
_memories give me the strength_

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Cassandra ran her hand through her hair and sighed deeply. She hated this part of the job, the death especially when it was the family of one of their own. She washed her hands in the sink, scrubbing furiously at the dried blood on her hands.

Josh.

She couldn't imagine how he was feeling, his entire family wiped out in a fire. Cassandra knew he was probably feeling survivors guilt and asking questions of why he had to be a survivor. It made her think back to Howard and how she'd coped when he was seriously ill.

Cassandra grabbed a handful of paper towels and dried her hands before throwing them into the waste bin provided. With a sigh she took one last look at her reflection, patted down her uniform and grabbed the handle of the door.

As she pulled it open, she collided with Gloria who was rushing into the bathroom.

"Sorry," Cassandra said with a small smile.

"You okay?" Gloria asked as she noticed that Cassandra wasn't her usual self. It wasn't surprising, the whole situation with Josh's family had shocked them all. Cassandra once again smiled and nodded her head, "I'm fine Gloria, just tired."

There wasn't nothing exchanged between the two of them before Cassandra excused herself and returned to the department. It was a busy day as usual in the department, Cassandra was completely run of her feet. There was a little boy aged two, almost three who came in with meningitis who later died in ICU and a haemophilia who wouldn't stop bleeding.

Cassandra felt more exhausted than usual which was unusual because Cassandra never really felt tired at work, even if she was run off her feet. Kate and Baz noticed that Cassandra looked washed out but she kept denying anything was wrong. She was just simply tired.

It wasn't just about been busy in the department, it was also Matt's last day before he left for Crete and he was throwing a leaving party in the pub. She knew a couple of drinks after work were probably what she needed so decided to go and let her hair down.

She texted Howard to let him know she'd be home later and changed out of her uniform and into a pair of jeans and a hooded jumper. She joined the rest of them team at the pub. As soon as she walked in, she hugged Matt and handed him the present she'd brought him.

"I hate goodbyes," she whispered in his ear, "you'd better keep in contact too. I want a postcard every month!"

Jude noticed that Cassandra had arrived and squeezed her tightly after she'd finished hugging Matt. Noticing how pale and washed out she appeared to be, Jude smiled softly and told her, "you look dreadful!"

Cassandra smiled, "thanks for that Jude, fill me with confidence why don't you?"

"Sorry but you do! You look tired."

Dragging her arm and pulling her to the bar Cassandra answered back, "you'd look tired too if you've got five children to look after."

"True."

Cassandra's first drink of the night was a lemonade and vodka. She didn't want to get too drunk because she knew she'd be a mess in the morning and working with hangovers never got any easier. The plan was to go steady and pace herself but that went out of the window when Sam decided to order some sambuca shots.

The next couple of hours passed in a blur of vodka and lemonade's and sambuca shots. It was a pleasant night Cassandra spending the majority of the night talking to David the new guy on Reception when she heard it all beginning to kick off.

She sighed when she saw Matt and Sam being punched and realised she was far too sober for all this. Standing up from the table she was sat at, she necked her drink and got in the middle of Matt and the guy who was throwing the punches.

"Break it up!" She shouted as she tried to push both of them away from each other.

Both men seem to be dragged off one another and Cassandra looked at Matt. He had a massive gash down one side of his cheek and she knew it needed medical attention. Great, she thought. She'd seen enough of the department for one day.

"I want a drink," she heard Matt say and then David explain that he needed to stay there and receive medical treatment. Grabbing her hooded jumper from the back of the chair she was sat at, she put it on and escorted Matt, Jude, Sam and David out of the pub.

The walk back to the hospital seemed to be longer than it was reaching the pub, the alcohol going straight to their heads. It affected Cassandra more than she thought especially when she had to link arms with David. When they reach the hospital, they walked into the department been slightly loud.

Jude told Matt and Sam to be quiet and apologised to the people waiting. She explained they weren't queue jumping, they did actually work here. Cassandra decided to leave them alone at the front desk and walked towards the staff room. As she opened the door she noticed Jack and Jayne about to kiss and giggled.

"Oh god Jack, I'm so sorry."

Jack smiled, "what an earth happened to you?"

"Oh you know how it goes," she was about to continue when Matt, Jude and Sam popped up and stood behind her. They noticed that Cassandra had walked into a bit of a mess and all three of them began to giggle. Jack shook his head at the state of them all, drunk, bruised and bloodied.

"I was just asking Cassandra, what an earth happened to you all?"

"Oh you know," Matt piped up, "a bit of fisticles in the pub. Nothing we can't handle." Exchanging glances all four of them decided to leave, they did after all know their own way round the department. As they left the staff room and went round the corner, Cassandra burst out laughing;

"I have never been so embarrassed in all my life!"

Jude started to laugh, "what did you see?"

"Well those two about to snog obviously. Jesus, I only wanted a cup of tea."

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	20. EPILOGUE

x

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**EPILOGUE**  
_no matter what it takes_

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Blood.

Too much blood.

Cassandra's used to blood but she isn't sure why this is different. It feels different on her skin, seeping through her fingers and dripping on the floor. Tap, tap, tap.

She swallows hard staring at the blood on her hands. Jude's blood. She feels funny. Lightheaded. Sick. Kate gently takes her by the arm, gently leads her to the staff room. Cassandra sits down, there's nothing but silence between the two of them. Cassandra's still staring at the blood.

She hears the kettle begin to boil, "she's dead isn't she?"

"No she's not dead."

Cassandra swallows. She stands up but just stays in the same spot, not moving. Kate looks at the youngster and knows exactly how she feels, lost. That's exactly how Kate felt, not been able to do anything to help.

"Matt," she whispers and swallows hard. God how does she break the news to Matt about Jude?

"David's doing it," Kate answers back and Cassandra sits back down. She hates the feel of blood on her hands so she stands back up and walks towards the sink. As she begins to run the hot tap, she scrubs at the blood on her hands with soap.

There's still a silence between the two of them, neither of them know what to say. What can you say at a time like this?

"I can't do this job anymore Kate," she whispers as she turns to look at the older woman, "that could be any one of us right now lying in Resus bleeding to death. Shit Kate it could've been me. If it was me, what would the children do? They'd be orphaned."

"But it wasn't," Kate replied stirring two sugars into two mugs of tea.

"No it was Jude instead."

There was nothing between the two of them as Kate handed Cassandra one of the mugs of tea. Cassandra cupped the mug between her hands and took a small sip.

A few minutes more silence passed before Cassandra broke the silence, "I'm leaving Kate."

"Cassie you're in shock. Don't make a rash decision!"

Cassandra didn't reply straight away she just sat drinking her tea again.

"I _have_ to go Kate. Holby's a beautiful place but there's too many memories for me and they aren't all good memories either. I think I need to find myself again." She placed the mug down on the side, stood up and took a step towards Kate.

She squeezed her tightly, "I appreciate everything that you've done for me and the children. I don't even know what would have happened if I hadn't have met you Kate."

Kate squeezed Cassandra back feeling emotional that she was saying goodbye to the woman she loved like a daughter. She swallowed hard and they broke out of the hug.

"You will keep in contact won't you?"

Cassandra nodded her head and smiled softly, "try stopping me."

She laughed slightly feeling the tears begin to pool in her eyes. She really did not want to cry. As she slowly walked to the door Cassandra began to wonder if she was making the right decision.

"Tell Charlie for me but only when Jude's better."

Kate nodded and Cassandra left the staff room and the hospital. As she walked away from the place she had called home for three years she knew a fresh start somewhere different was needed. Who knew if she'd ever find herself back at Holby.

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